Annie Loves Paris

you would say love letters are dead if you have stopped writing them. Love letters are never meant to be written to get the response…

response.. response is just a plus. just like everything else in life.

giving…. give is the pleasure.

and loving… loving is just the bliss.

‘when I look in to your eyes I can feel butter flies..’

Conversation with Cas brought over nostalgic feelings. Cas might be moving to Cardiff and even though this has been the plan for last few months, this conversation made it real. That spark in his eyes, intuitive feeling in me that his is “IT” made me sad. Cas was the one who I started the whole care job career with… He was the beginning..and now few months down the line he might be moving away and not being part of my every day life anymore.

Seems like life recently is opening windows and then closing doors there after(I know it should be the other way around). It gives me unexpected fulfilment of my wildest dreams but takes away the things that I have been holding on for survival for so long. And it’s terrifying. When you don’t care – there is nothing really to loose, just the comfort of the lifestyle and few things.
When there is love and dreams involved it’s a completely different matter. It’s … Everything.
Paralysing, terrifying cold comes over you when you think what would happen if you wouldn’t have something that you had yesterday.

Maybe… Too long I’ve been asleep.

when I moved to UK I really struggled to find some friends. My expectations of friendship turned out to be a bit different from the reality of the friendships that people were having around here.

First friend I made here was(and still is) a 65-year-old man. He has always been kind and our life values/ friendship values seem to match. We don’t strangle each other with love and affection, but let each other to have some space, whilst still letting each other know we’re here if needed.

Second friend was my ex Tristan. I found him amusing and full of energy, so wee bit later we started dating and his mom came into my life as a friend. She was very nice and funny, we shared the same music taste and enjoyed chilling out on Sunday morning after downing a bottle(or few) of wine the previous night. Just the whole ‘big friendship’ evaporated when me and T split up, kind of showing that it wasn’t a friendship after all.

Since that I have met some really good friends. Some that are devoted and friendly, but some – more important – who understand my hectic lifestyle and the fact that I don’t have enough time to spend ‘chilling out’. With 30+h to work, my tiny business to run and almost full time uni I end up always chasing time and scrapping for some leisure and sleep catch up time. I work very hard on time management so I can manage to see everyone equally.

But this is not why I was writing this. I started to write this post because of the non understandable values to me, in most friendship’s that I come across. So it’s fine to be besties for a while, support other person through crisis, but then to be said ‘fuck you’ to and the friendship to be forgotten? how one even comes about to saying things like that to a friend? Where have values and respect disappeared?
We are great when needing to find someone to have a drink with for Friday night, but when it comes to moving or redecorating our homes we often find ourselves to be on our own. Not only we have stopped offering the help, but we have stopped asking for it. The whole give and take community has disappeared and even though I have offered good 5 times to help decorating or gardening only on one occasion the help offer was taken up on. It seems that even when someone sincerely offers, we already expect them to bail out, so we don’t bother.

We have stopped to come to a friend for advice or a moan. We keep all of our emotions in ourselves until they come out in geyser. And then one finds themselves helping a friend through a crisis. But don’t you think that with a little bit of sharing this could be prevented? We often think illogically when were in the thick of it, so bit of perspective won’t harm.

with all these people around somehow we have secluded ourselves and wrapped in this miserable self-sufficient cocoon. But you know what?

A problem shared is a problem halved.

It’s weird what a fast changing environment life is. Not only the job or weather changes etc, what one likes and what one eats, but the friendships and people who take part in them as well.

My friend had a baby 2 weeks ago. And I am ever so chuffed about them! With no regret I can say that as from now every time I visit Riga it won’t be the same. Same things are happening in Bath – people are getting in relationships, buying houses together and making plans about getting married. In a period of 6 months everyone has turned into these sophisticated human being who are making big steps in their lives that are going to change their future forever. And it’s all good. It’s only me who feels like a student who’s sitting on the same spot for last 4 years.

Me and 3 of my Latvian girlfriends have had a blog  for all this time to make sure that everyone is updated with each other’s lives. Bit more than 4 years ago when I moved here I was in relationship, Natalie was married(and still is) and living in France for uni’s exchange semester, Kristine was living in Latvia, and Evita was in Berlin. We had lots of fun when they flew in to visit me in Bath. Gossip, relationship talk and lots of drink.

Now Evita is in United Arab Emirates pursuing her hotel management career, Natalie has taken yoga and ayurveda seriously and does lots of all kind of cool stuff, Kristine just had a baby and me… I am still here, in Bath. We all have changed so much! I am really looking forward to what future brings!

I know that 4 years ago I thought  I will be in a completely different point of my life – I wanted to have children by now. But these 2 years of being single have taught me so much about myself that I wouldn’t change it for anything. I now can be in my own company for longer than 15 minutes and honestly that is an achievement. I am happy to be patient and wait for things and choose the ones that are beneficial to me. I love deeper and it’s not a clingy but unconditional love. I don’t want to rush things – I want to enjoy the process. Will see what the next 4 years will bring

Recently more and more I think that relationships are just a social phenomenon. So many species do not have partners, and I would presume don’t crave for one either.  But of course there are few that have life long partners, and few who have matriarchal society setting.

But don’t you think that sometimes if you wouldn’t know it exists – you wouldn’t know what’s missing? If the world would have taken a different turn and we would have stayed in pre marriage society would we have something like relationships at all? And were relationships previously not just a ‘exchange’ of goods? You give me healthy well taken care of children, I will provide you a shelter. Society excluded women from certain activities thus made them unable to provide for themselves therefore making them to have need someone to take care of them. Would woman’s body have developed differently(figure wise) if they could have taken part? Polygamy was common trend, kissing was not very popular, nor cuddling. Think just pleasuring? Yes I think that would be how I call it – whether it was gentle touches, or bringing grapes and making milk baths or something else. Still few things have stayed the same – need to possess, have someone to call ‘yours’(whether you like to dip your own toes in different ponds-doesn’t matter), and power of female charms. Women have caused wars and have stopped them. Well the same can be said for men of course just in a different way. Why every time that a peace of land has been invaded there has been raping. Ok killing I understand, so the enslaving, but why raping? Is it the need to humiliate or to fulfil a animalistic need. Or to show your power to fellow peers? What is it that I don’t get about it?

And now we have a choice to get married or not. To have a relationship or not. To have casual sex or not. So why there are still so many people choosing to have a relationship if we can provide for ourselves, support ourselves and if needed – get some sex as well? Something still draws us to crave for love… does everyone believe in love? And if we marry for love, why doesn’t it always work? Is it because we still put ourselves and our needs first?

Hm I am not a feminist at all. Not even close. I am a rationalist and a soppy romantic. I just would like to know.

And do you think that when we have sex (talking about a very heater one), we have it as primitive as it would have been in 1940′s or 15th century?

Recently I have noticed a trend – let’s call it ‘let’s give a lecture about my noble actions’. People have stopped caring for each other for the sake caring or being kind.

One thing I cannot ever complain about in my life is people who do good for me without me expecting it. Have to admit, those people are usually much older than me – about 45+. Whether it is help to move or cheaper offer of work space, free market stall rent for the day or help to buy a car, paying for my lunch or giving me a call once in a while to make sure I am ok – all of those things don’t come unnoticed for me. I don’t expect them, as I do realise that world does not owe me anything. But I do is accept them with huge gratitude (with one exception – never money), and my upbringing makes me to go out of my way to say ‘thank you’ with my actions. I don’t have to, but I really want to. It’s like a ‘barter of good deeds’, call it karma or whatever else, but it always comes back. Trust me

My longest and strongest friendship in UK started because Colin knew someone who was selling Austin Mini and I wanted one really bad. He drove 15 miles to pick me up, and then did this round trip twice, totalling 60 miles, just to show it to me and my ex (frequent buses are available on that route). That was 2 weeks into knowing me. I loved it, bought it and after week when I finished my work in Sainsbury’s car park, where I was temping at that time, I made him&his wife a little hamper as a thank you for their kindness. We have been good friends ever since, and it has been nearly 4 years now. Colin and his wife are both 65 and are my ‘English parents’.

So the new trend – I have no idea why it has come about, but maybe it’s because people crave to be noticed, so they need to point out every time they do something good. Are there really people who would forget a kindness? I do remember EVERY time and every one who has paid for my dinner, lunch or event that we have visited together. And I remember every time when someone has walked me home to make sure I am safe. It doesn’t have to be anything big or significant. Just a moment of kindness. And to be honest – if you want something back for it – better don’t do it at all.

Don’t get me wrong – I am all about Russian as a language. I have known it since I learned to speak, as Latvian and Russian have both been equal languages of my family. I am the 4th generation to be born in Latvia, but I have cousins living in different parts of Russia that have not even been in Latvia. Both of my nans are Russian. There is no argument within me whether to speak or acknowledge it.

Latvia today had a referendum. A vote whether Russian would be the 2nd official language of Latvia. It would allow everyone to communicate in all the public spaces in Russian and lawfully expect the respondent to know it and answer in it. It would allow Russian only schools to be opened that do not teach Latvian. Latvia voted against. It had been a biggest turnout for referendum or any vote regarding politics. And more than 75% have voted against. Phew! That’s a relief.

So what’s my point? My point is that every country has the right to preserve its culture and the language being big part of it. That is why I will always be against Russian as the 2nd language in Latvia as much as I am against Latvian schools in Ireland. I think that if you decide to move to another country you must
take up its identity and customs. You must know the language and obey the law. My kids will speak Latvian and Russian regardless in which part of the word I will end up in. But the language of country they live in will always be their main one, and although I will always stay Latvian, so will it be mine.

Last week, on Saturday, my car broke down in Sainsbury’s car park. I put the hazards on and whilst I was struggling with it with a hope that something will breathe some life into it, two lads pulled next to me, showed me ‘thumbs up’ and drove off. Whilst I was trying to understand what all that was about, a lady, yes that is what I would describe her, came to my window and asked if I needed to be pushed in a space. Whilst I took 2 seconds to think about it, another lady showed up and in no time they were directing me and pushing me into a space. Next thing I know I’ve been told ‘put the bonnet up’ and one of them is looking under it. ‘…is fine, this is fine… all looks fine, I don’t know what’s wrong with it, call the AA guy’. I thanked them with huge gratitude and they left.

That made me think. Since when is it OK for two women to push a car? I know this is my latvian side being completely confused, but I swear you in Latvia you will see 2 women pushing a car only in deep woods, with no other people around.  So I am confused. The whole feminism, or whatever you would like to call it, has maximised females ‘must do’s’ and reduced man’s. And the whole world is fine by it. I am not. My dad never used to allow me to carry heavy shopping, not that I couldn’t, but because I shouldn’t. And although I know Latvia is changing as well, and maybe I am idolising it sometimes, things like this don’t happen there. At least not on daily basis. I admire and like the latvian view on the matter: this woman one day will be someone’s mother, so I have to protect her and cherish her.

The blog post could go forever, but unfortunately I am struggling to put the words across in a way that does not make me sound like a brat. And maybe a I am one. Maybe I have been spoiled by latvian customs, being confused and offended sometimes when things happen otherwise. And yes, I LOVE not bumping into a man in a doorway, when we are entering a building. So I have given up by now and let all the men go first.

PS. Thank god for good friends like @amyshhh who allow me to use their break down cover as of course I don’t have one. I am latvian, you know.

This year has started much better than I expected. That is of course if we ignore the fact that I woke up with the most horrific headache that was so vile that it made me puke the whole morning the 2 sips of water I could swallow in the first place. 

I have decided to sign up for ‘The Sunday Times’ and received my first copy today. Which is awesome as it means in ‘latvian’ that I am growing up. No it doesn’t, I am totally making this up. It just means I have decided to read more and that includes magazines that are not called ‘love it’ (mommy I won’t read those ones’ anymore as they are rubbish, promis’). I have signed up for ‘National Geographic Travel’ as well to make me aware of all the awesome places in the world I need to visit. The other part of ‘reading more’ includes books so I have signed up for ‘Mr B’s’ book club. 

Achievement number two is that I have already been to 1 tennis class and 1 riding class. Ain’t I cool? And it’s only 8th of January…. Promised that I’ll go to pole dancing as well, and although after trying it on new years(sober, promise) eve and finding it to be beyond hard, I will still do it. 

I have eaten breakfasts’ 7 days in a row. I have not eaten breakfast since I was 12, so this is BIG, darling, yes very very BIG. The only problem – it makes me sooooooooooooo hungry. Now I eat about 5 times a day (instead of 1-2 time in 2011) and am still hungry. Like now. Starving.

The other things that are in pipe line this year are :

• going snowboarding
• visiting Jerusalem
• travelling to Kyrgyzstan
• finish painting my teal ceiling(love it even as it is now -half done)
• learning how to do proper henna tattoo’s (the ones’ me and Lee did yesterday look pretty funny on my hands, but are still cool)
• the 100 things I want to do re:my business
• getting motorbike
• volunteering for ‘off the record’ or ‘relate’

This is as much as I can remember at the moment. Baby, this year is going to be BIG.